Transcribed by J.N. Klein
Last night, I did it again.
I've been so careful for so long, but a girl's only got so much willpower. Besides, what is it they say? "The truth will out?" I suppose it's only possible to go so long pretending to be something you're not. And last night, I was tired of pretending.
I waited until all my roommates were asleep. Then I slipped out, got into my cranky old Bug and drove out of the city and way up the canyon. There's a park up there, a really nice secluded place, and almost nobody bothers going there at night because it's out in the boonies. Just to be safe, though, I parked the car about a quarter mile away and walked the rest of the way in.
The place was silent as a tomb--just what I wanted. I crossed the big open meadow and headed down a short incline toward the creek that marked the boundary line between the park and the surrounding woods. My need fluttered and tensed inside me like a thirst, but I wasn't ready yet. I held very still at the edges of the stream, listening, watching, just to be absolutely sure that no one was nearby. When I was certain I was the only human being within several miles, I quickly stripped to the skin--no sense ruining my clothes; I'd need them later--and did what I had come to this place to do:
I started growing.
Oh, it felt so marvelous! I could empathize completely with any trapped, transformed thing, like a new butterfly still sheathed in a chrysalis. I sighed, stretching happily, and grew still taller, my head beginning to brush against the higher branches of the trees above me.
Maybe I should go back and explain.
You know how most kids want to be special? I did, when I was little. I wanted to have something about me that was unique, that was different from anyone else I knew. The trouble was, when I reached puberty I got it. I have this ability--no, scratch that, it's more like a NEED--to grow hugely tall.
At first it happened by accident; I woke up one morning practically packed into my now-tiny room, as I'd had a dream about growing and my body had done just what my subconscious mind had suggested. It was all I could do to keep from screaming. I managed to keep my head clear and concentrated on becoming smaller, and thank heavens for me it worked. Over time, I've learned to control this thing that wells up inside me; I no longer grow in my sleep. I'm also very, very careful not to drink or use drugs or get too familiar with the guys I date, because when I lose my inhibitions, I also lose control of my ability to keep it in check. I learned this on one particularly disastrous evening; when he realized I'd grown to ten feet, my date freaked, and I never saw him again. Usually, I'm an absolutely normal-looking coed--if anything, I'm a little shorter than normal--and all I want is to be like everyone else.
Or barring that, all I want is to be able to do this without fear or shame. I don't want people to be afraid of me. Instead, I sneak out every now and then and do what I must to keep this under control.
The need was particularly strong. I stretched again, and broke free of the trees, swelling larger with every passing moment. I knew it was dangerous to grow much larger than twenty-five or thirty feet, even in a deserted place like this, because I could be seen from a distance. But at the time, all I could think of was something I'd long been wondering: just how big could I get? I'd never really tried to find out, but it seemed as good a night as any to experiment. I didn't see a soul, not even as much as a light, in any direction. So I carefully planted my feet, one on each side of the stream, and kept going.
Growing feels almost like a buzz--a high, if you'll pardon the pun--and the more I grow, the stronger it gets. I closed my eyes and concentrated, becoming larger and still larger, until I dwarfed the trees below me, like waist-high grass I could wade through. Yet inside me I could still feel the power to become even bigger, even though my common sense told me to stop while I was still safe. Like an idiot, I threw common sense to the wind and increased even more in size.
I had to be close to eighty feet, and it was delicious. For the moment I stopped, just savoring the feeling of being so huge and overwhelming. I swayed softly, and felt the trees far below sway with me. I took a deep breath and gently blew, ruffling the treetops for long distances. Why couldn't I just be like this all the time?
That was when I first saw the light.
Not metaphorically; I mean I really saw a light where there shouldn't be one. It was down in the park clearing, a little pinpoint of light shining up toward my body. At that height I couldn't tell who or what it was, but I knew I hadn't seen any lights when I crossed the park. Instinctively, I reached down toward the light, and it began to move away--then I knew I was in trouble. It had to be a person, and that person had seen me. This couldn't be happening.
I didn't think, I acted. Crouching down in the trees, I planted one hand in the soft grass of the park and gently scooped whoever-it-was up with the other. I was hard pressed to tell just who or what I'd picked up--was it one person, or several? By all the squirming movement in my palm, it was difficult to tell. I stood up again and brought my hand close to my face to get a better look--and almost dropped my captive.
"OW!" I cried out without thinking, and instantly clapped my other hand over my mouth. Well, if anyone had wondered about my presence here, there'd be no guessing it now. But I'd just been bitten on the finger, and it HURT! Who was this person I'd caught? I carefully opened my hand.
My index finger was bleeding slightly. Just drawing away from it, squirming to get free of me, was a little man. He looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place him. Anyway, it was tough to get a good look at him, as he was wriggling around.
"You bit me!" I murmured unhappily.
At the sound of my voice, he crouched on all fours and fell very still, peering up at me in the darkness. I was actually rather amazed at his bravery. Here he was, in the hands of a giant easily thirteen times his size, and still had the chutzpah to try to get free.
I put both my hands together to cup his body safely. Immediately, he began trying to climb over the side of my fingers.
"Stop," I said as authoritatively as I could, and the sound of it at least paused him. I continued, "Look, you're almost eighty feet off the ground. Even if you did manage to get away from me, the fall would probably kill you."
I sighed and settled down, crouching on my knees. "Besides, I won't hurt you. You just startled me. I thought I was alone."
No sound came out of my captive, though he didn't seem hell-bent on getting away now. He just continued peering up at me warily.
"Do you talk, or just stare?" I asked, suddenly uncomfortably aware that I was naked in front of a stranger. I tried to hold him at eye level.
"Who?" he began, but his voice came out as a squeak. He stopped and tried again. "Who are you? What are you doing here?"
"I could ask the same about you. For all you know, I live here."
"I don't think you do."
"What makes you say that?"
"Well, you look kind of familiar."
I peered closer, and suddenly made the connection. Yes, this was someone I knew, although not well. He was a student at the university, and I'd even noticed him a few times in my chem class. I didn't know his name, but he seemed attractive--and now he'd caught me out. What would I do? Would he recognize me? Crap.
I tried to make light of it. "Oh, so you've seen a lot of eighty-foot-tall women around then?"
"Um, no," he muttered. "But... oh, forget it. Look, why not just let me go?"
"Well, I could. But how do I know you won't go telling everyone you see that you met a giant?"
"I wouldn't!" he protested. "Besides, who's going to believe it?"
"All I need is one to cause a problem," I pointed out.
"Oh, fine. I swear I won't tell anyone I saw you. Now would you please put me down?"
Well, it was only one person, and he did have a point--who WAS going to believe him, with nobody to back up his story? I decided to put the fear in him, just in case. "What's your name, little man?"
"It's Cameron. What's yours?"
"That's not important," I said. "Cameron, I expect you never to reveal to anyone what you've seen this night. Because if you do, I will find you and squash you into jelly. Do you understand?"
He nodded mutely.
"Very well. Now go."
I stood up and placed him right at the edge of the park, and he took off running. Again I crouched in the trees, shrinking back to a more sensible size and contemplatively sucking at the bite on my finger. I hoped he would keep his mouth shut; still, someone knew about me now. I'd have to be even more careful.
Once I'd shrunk to human size again, I dressed hurriedly and went slowly around the edge of the clearing toward my car. I winced a bit as I realized one of my thumbs had dug into the soft grass, leaving a huge divot. Maybe nobody would notice.
I didn't pass anyone on the road as I drove back to town. I wondered where Cameron had come from, what he was doing up there in the middle of the night, and whether he'd taken a car up. I felt horribly nervous. Well, Ginny, what'd you expect, getting so big? I chided myself. I could only hope he wouldn't notice me in chem for the rest of the term.
* * *
This morning I was up early--there's something about growing that really gets me energized--so I managed to get in the bathroom before anyone else. I spent a long time honestly scrutinizing my face in the mirror, wondering if I had any features noteworthy enough to be recognizable.
I guess I look OK. I mean, I'm not scary or anything, though I need to lose some weight. A friend in high school used to tell me I look a lot like Phoebe Cates, but I don't see it. The only similarities between Phoebe Cates and Virginia Shelton are the big eyes and short dark hair; otherwise I don't see a resemblance. I've been very careful NOT to stand out in a crowd, and so far I've succeeded. And I know I've never talked to Cameron before, so he might not have noticed me in class.
Anyway, I sure hope he hasn't. I mean, he's really not bad-looking or anything--truthfully, he's kind of handsome--but the last thing I need right now is to be conspicuous to anybody.
I have chem at 11. The smartest thing, I know from experience, is just to behave as normally as possible--when you break your routine, people are more likely to notice--but it's still nervous-making. There's always the chance he'll look at me and recognize the features of the gigantic woman who held him in her hands the night before...
Cool down, Ginny. It was dark, and he might not have seen much of you, and anyway he might be convincing himself it wasn't real even now.
I wondered what he was thinking about it.
In the meantime, I knew what I was thinking about it--OUCH. You know what they say about human saliva being dangerous? They're right. The tiny bite, still on my index finger, had swelled up by this morning. I had to swab it with alcohol to make sure it didn't get infected. I couldn't help bringing my finger close to my face and inspecting the tiny tooth marks, though. I wished I had a magnifying glass.
I'd never actually held anyone in my hands before, and frankly, aside from being bitten it was strangely exciting. I tentatively cupped my hands together again, imagining the tiny weight and movement of the person held inside them.
Just about then Dana started pounding on the bathroom door, so I got out of there and finished getting ready for school. I don't have a class until 10 this morning, so I thought I'd write in the meantime to get a clear head. I'll probably do with this what I do with all the things I write about my growing--hide it until I've written it out, then burn it.
* * *
It's been a couple of days since I've written in this. I'm still trying to figure out what to do.
Cameron has been watching me in chem class the last few days. I can feel him staring even while I'm keeping my eyes on the page, taking notes. I don't dare make eye contact with him. I can't even imagine what he's thinking. Has he identified where he knows me, or does he just think I look familiar from somewhere, or what?
Today as I was leaving class, I got a tap on the shoulder. I'd been so wound up that I visibly jumped.
"Hey, hey," came Cameron's voice behind me. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you."
"Um, no, fine, I just didn't expect..."
He drew up alongside me. "I just had to ask you. You look really familiar to me, and I'm trying to place you..."
"Well, yeah. I'm in your chemistry class."
Cameron grinned. "No, I meant from somewhere else."
Oh great.� Now he's hitting on me.� "Not sure. I moved here from California."
"Hmm. No, never lived there. Oh, hey... um, sorry, hi. Cameron McGinsey," and he extended his hand.
I shook it. "Ginny Shelton."
"Ginny. Not Jenny, but Ginny? That's kind of unusual."
"It's short for Virginia. Always sounded like an old-lady name to me."
"No, not at all. I like it. You meet so many people with plain vanilla-sounding names like John and Jennifer and and David that it's kind of nice to hear something different once in a while."
"Thanks."
"Well, I've got a class on the other side of campus, so I'd better run." He paused again, looking at me. "I can't help thinking you look familiar somehow."
I could feel my face burning. All I could do was shrug and try to smile.
"Well, maybe I'll figure it out later. Nice to meet you, Ginny." He smiled, turned and jogged away.
Now I'm not sure what to do. We've talked, so now we know each other... and he actually seemed, well, NICE. I couldn't help thinking, what would he do if he knew who I was? Would he keep smiling at me like that if I suddenly started to stretch and grow before his eyes, or would he more likely run screaming? I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel.
I think I kind of like him.
* * *
Saturday morning, and I'm up early to write in this again. It's been a few days, and a lot of things have happened.
On Wednesday, I got back to my dorm to find an envelope slid under the door, addressed to me. It turned out to be a very ornate invitation to go out with Cameron on Friday.
!!!
I called the number on the invitation and talked with Cameron for a while. He was actually remarkably honest--something most people aren't when they go out for the first time, I've noticed--and told me he was broke, but he'd thought up some fun things to do that weren't expensive; would I mind? I said no, I wouldn't.
"Um, what should I wear?" I asked.
There was a pause. "Um. Lemme think. Casual, but nicer than jeans?"
"What are you planning, anyway?"
"You'll see."
So, of course, I got nervous and was basically impossible to live with until Friday. It's a wonder my roomies didn't just throw me out the window.
Anyway, Friday finally came. I was pacing in the kitchen around 6:00 when there was a knock at the door. There stood Cameron, with something behind his back.
"What is that?" I tried peering around.
"It's Part Two of the date," he grinned. "Don't look yet. First, I have to ask. Would you like to go see a play?"
"Sure."
So we ended up ushering at the campus production of Cyrano de Bergerac. It was very good. I knew the story, but I'd never seen the play before. Somehow I could empathize with Cyrano, with his poetic soul and freakish nose. How many people could get past that profile to see through to his heart? Cyrano, though, had no choice. He had no method of hiding his strangeness from others; it was all there on the end of his face.
As we walked out into the early evening, we talked about it a little.
"Don't you think everyone has something like Cyrano's nose? A fatal flaw, for lack of a better phrase?" I asked.
"Well, maybe not as visible as his nose, but sure," Cameron shrugged. "I couldn't help thinking, though, that Cyrano's real fatal flaws were pride and fear. Think about it. It was his pride that kept him from seeking the favor of patrons who could have helped him, and his fear that kept him from revealing his love for Roxane until it was too late to do any good. Isn't that the real tragedy?"
We walked along the edge of campus, talking, and the more I found out the more I was impressed with Cameron. He was really a remarkable person.
"So what exactly is this stuff you've brought in your backpack?" I finally asked.
Cameron thought for a minute, grinned, reached into his pack and brought out two plastic dime-store kites. "Ever gone kiteflying in the dark?"
So we went out to the soccer field and flew kites at night. It was surprisingly fun. Cameron also had some of those break-and-shake lightsticks in his pack--I was surprised he didn't have a kitchen sink in there--and he attached one to each kite, then we sent them up. I hadn't gone kiteflying since I was a little kid, and I wasn't very good at it any more, but I still managed to get the little glowing light zig-zagging around the sky. Cameron was actually pretty good, making his kite do loops and dives, but he very nearly ended up electrocuting himself by putting the kite around a utility pole.
When we got the kites up high enough that they hit a strong, steady wind, we sat and talked for a while. He asked tons of questions--all the typical stuff, major, where I was from, etc., etc.--but he also tried guessing as many places as he could possibly think of to see where he'd met me. I could feel my face getting red.
"You know, I might just have a familiar face," I pointed out.
Cameron leaned his head to one side. "Well, ordinarily that's what I'd think too," he admitted, "but there's just something... I don't know, very familiar, very striking..." He leaned back in the grass, looking up at the kite. "I can't put my finger on it. I feel like I should recognize you, but..."
I turned to look down at him, and suddenly his eyes widened and dilated--as though he was looking at and through me at the same time.�
He knew. He knew who I was.
I could feel the blood drain from my face. It must have been the darkness and the point of view, looking up and seeing my face staring down at him. Instinctively I backed away on hands and knees, the kite string forgotten, spinning up and away.
Cameron sat up, his kite quickly following mine. "Wait!"
I struggled to my feet, thinking only to get away.�
"Ginny, please, don't..."
Something in his voice stopped me. He stood, slowly, trying not to frighten me.
"You don't need to be afraid," he said slowly. "I haven't told anyone what happened, and I'm not going to tell anyone. Your secret is safe."
Then he shrugged a bit. "Hell. I'm just glad I'm not insane. Here I was stone cold sober and seeing something people mostly only see when they're drunk or stoned... " He stopped. "Sorry, I'm babbling."
"Why did you really ask me out?" I muttered.
"Because I wanted to get to know you. Because I still want to get to know you. Is that so hard to believe?"
I could feel myself shaking. "Cameron, I can't..."
He made no attempt to get any closer. "Look. What do I have to do to gain your trust? Tell me, and I'll do it."
We stood like that for a long time, and then, slowly, he came closer. I stood my ground nervously. Finally, he smiled a little.
"I know. I'll make you a promise," he whispered. "Here and now... I promise you... I won't ever bite you again..."
Something about that just broke the tension, and I started giggling like an idiot. Cameron laughed with me, almost shyly, as though overwhelmed.
"Speaking of that... do you mind?" He indicated my right hand, a question in his eyes, and I opened it to show the bite. Carefully, he took my hand and raised it to his face. It was still a little swollen, but was starting to heal up.
"Ow. Looks like it hurts. Sorry about that."
I shrugged. "It's OK."
His eyes met mine, and I saw a kind of awe in them. "So... how exactly..."
"Look, Cameron, I'm not ready to talk about it."
He looked crestfallen, but nodded and dropped my hand.
"It's not that I don't want to talk about it at all," I added. "It's just that I've never really discussed it with anybody before. It's hard to explain." I twisted my fingers together nervously.
Cameron managed a smile. "It's all right," he said. "Look, I bet you're starving. Want to go get something to eat, or would you rather I took you home?"
"Take me home, please."
He looked disappointed, but he also did exactly as I asked. I didn't sleep much last night. On the one hand, I sort of want him to be afraid of me so he'll stay clear. On the other--well, let's admit it, I'm really getting to like him. But I don't think he'll ever ask me out again.
* * *
Well, I was right. I hate it when I'm right.
It's been almost two weeks since Cameron asked me out, and I literally haven't seen him once since then, not even in class. For all I know, he dropped off the face of the planet. I've tried to be stoic about it, but it isn't easy. He managed to get under my skin, to the part of me that's really alive, and now I actually do care about what he thinks. And he's discovered I'm a freak.
Last night I went up the canyon again, past the park and way up into the woods until I found a good-sized clearing. I grew, and grew, and grew, curling up in a fetal position, until I'd filled the space completely with my body. So many times when I've been afraid or uncertain, going off somewhere to grow has helped restore my calm. Sometimes, if I can feel what it is to be huge and strong, it helps me not to be afraid. But this time I lay there in the clearing and the trees shook with my sobbing, although I tried to be as quiet as I could.
I don't know a single other person who's like me, not even in my family. When I was younger I tried asking my mother discreet questions, but all I found out was that my grandmother was double-jointed. All my dad could say was, "What do you mean, different?" as though I was touched.
Lying there in the tiny clearing, I began to feel claustrophobic in my own skin. I can do something nobody else can, something that was perhaps meant to be good or useful, but all I've been able to do thus far is frighten away the people I most care about.
I've decided not to grow any more.
* * *
Dana is being nosy. I was busy writing the last entry, and she walked in on me and asked what I was doing. I made the mistake of telling her it was none of her business. Now I've piqued her curiosity. I'll HAVE to burn this.
Early this afternoon, "some guy" called for me. Kat fielded the call, since she was the only one here. Sometimes I wonder if she's taking any classes this semester. Anyway, it could have been Cameron, but since she's never met him and whoever-it-was didn't leave a name or number, I have no idea. It's times like this that I wish we had caller ID. I was tempted to call Cameron's place just to see, but I'm neither that paranoid nor that pathetic.
I don't even know why I care. Come on, Gin, why do you even care about this guy?
Because he really seemed to like me, that's why.
Well, sure sucks to be me today. At least I can take comfort in the knowledge that I'm going to burn this, so nobody else knows I'm doing the whole wallowing-in-self-pity thing.�
* * *
I didn't think I'd need to write any more about this, but there's life for you--wait a couple of days and everything changes.
On Saturday I got a call from Cameron, who said he thought he owed me an explanation, but I told him not to worry about it--that it would probably be best for both of us if he just continued to stay away from me. I hung up before he really had a chance to say anything, and felt rotten the rest of the day.
Monday morning I dragged myself to class, and was a little surprised to see Cameron there. He tried to catch my eye, but I wasn't having any of that. At the end of class, though, he went straight up to the professor and I caught a little of their conversation.
"Well, Mr. McGinsey, nice of you to rejoin us."
"I'm sorry, sir, but my grandpa passed away two weeks ago and I went out of town for the funeral."
"Oh... I'm so sorry. I didn't realize."
"I apologize for not letting anyone know. I was wondering if I'll need to make up any lab sessions..."
The light dawned in my head, and I gathered up my books sheepishly and slowly left the room. It seemed that Cameron's absence had nothing to do with me. I felt awful to have brushed him off, but I wasn't sure what to say.
Luckily, I didn't have to say anything.
"Ginny, wait up..."
"Hi," I said, not quite making eye contact.
"Look, I wanted to talk to you..."
"I couldn't help overhearing about your grandfather," I murmured. "I'm sorry."
Cameron's face softened. "Well, it wasn't totally unexpected. He's had cancer for a long time. I just didn't expect to be gone as long as I was... and then when I tried to get hold of you on Saturday you seemed angry or upset or something. I just wanted to ask, what did I do?"
I shrugged, feeling stupid. "You didn't do anything, Cameron. It was me. I assumed this was about me."
"You--oh." His eyes lit with sudden understanding. "Yeah, I can see that now. It wasn't the best timing, was it?"
I shook my head.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Um. How many other people know what I know?"
"Only one, that I'm aware of."
"Mom or dad?"
"No. A former boyfriend."
"I see." Cameron paused, thinking. "And shortly after finding out, he wanted nothing to do with you?"
"More specifically, he was terrified. I never saw him again."
"Well, that does explain your mood on the phone," Cameron murmured. "I still don't understand something, though."
"What's that?"
He stopped suddenly, and I turned to see why. He was staring at me, and there was a look in his eyes that wasn't awe, or fear, or anything I could name easily.
"Why anyone would ever be stupid enough to walk away from you," he said.
"Cameron, I--"
"Wait, let me finish. Now unless there's some other secret you're hiding that I don't know about, I'd have to say your former boyfriend was an idiot. Here I see before me this gentle, thoughtful, amazing, lovely woman, and I wonder, what was he thinking?"
He took a deep breath and let it out, slowly, then continued walking. "Anyway, that's what I needed to say." He paused, a bit of a twinkle in his eye, and added, "You don't have any other major secrets, do you?"
"No, the one's about it. Though it's a big one."
"Hey, I have a class, but I've missed so many sessions the last two weeks I'm not sure it's going to matter that I miss another one." He smiled. "Would you like to go somewhere and just talk for a while?"
I surprised myself by saying, "Sure." Maybe it was the smile that did it, I don't know.
We found an empty classroom on the top floor of the fine arts building, looking out on the campus, and just talked--at first about Cameron's grandpa, then about family, then about my peculiar talent. I had a difficult time with this, although there was also a tremendous relief in being able to tell someone at last.
"So how does it work exactly?" Cameron asked. "Does it just happen whether you want it to or not, or do you have to think about it, or what?"
"At first, it just happened beyond my control," I said. "It took some time until I really had a handle on it. Even now, I have to be careful. Not that I'd just start growing in class or anything, but every now and then I need to go off someplace quiet and, well..."
"Is that what you were doing when I saw you?"
I nodded. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Shoot."
"What were you doing there anyway?"
He laughed. "You know, I'd almost forgotten why I was there in the first place. I was looking for my watch."
"In the dark, with a flashlight?"
"Yeah, I know, I'm an idiot. My roomies and I had gone up there to goof off during the day, and we bummed around in the creek, and that night I noticed that I hadn't put my watch back on. So since I'm a stubborn cuss and couldn't wait until morning, I drove clear up there right then and went looking for it." He grinned. "Talk about serendipity."
I blushed. "What did you see?"
"Well, it was dark, and at first I thought I saw smoke rising out of the trees, but I couldn't see the glow you get from a fire. So I kept looking, and it was the strangest thing... it began to look less and less like smoke, and more and more like a woman... and I just stood there fascinated. I guess I should have been afraid, but it seemed like something from a dream, right down to the point where you reached down to grab me. Then I got scared."
I couldn't help chuckling. "Yeah, I remember."
"Speaking of which, how's the bite doing?"
"Almost healed. Want to see?" I held out my palm again, and he inspected the spot on my index finger.
"Poor Ginny," he murmured. Then, much to my surprise, he bent and gave my hand a quick kiss. My eyes widened in surprise.
"Well, Mom always said they make everything better," he smiled shyly, shrugging, almost embarrassed by what he'd done. It made me smile in understanding. There's something disarming about Cameron--you think you have him figured out, and he does something surprising.
"I was wondering, would--" Cameron cut off suddenly. "No, never mind."
"What?"
"Seriously, forget it. I was about to ask something inappropriate."
"Oh, come on, now you have me curious."
He only shook his head. "Maybe some other time. Not now."
I sighed and let it drop.
"Look, our date ended kind of suddenly and I didn't get the chance to take you to dinner... and it's almost lunch now... you want to go get something?"
"I'd like that."
He smiled. He was almost irresistible when he smiled. "Come on, I'll take you to my favorite place."
So we went for Chinese and he was right, it was good, and I hardly remember what else I did today, because the words he said outside chem class keep running through my head. I feel better inside right now than I've ever felt, something even better than what I get from growing. For some reason I keep imagining what it would be like to hold Cameron gently, slowly increasing in size until I could cradle his whole body in the crook of my arm.
It could happen.
* * *
Hi, Ginny.
I couldn't help wondering what you keep writing in here. You certainly do have a fertile imagination.�
I wonder what Cameron would think if he could see your weird little fantasies about him, all written down on paper. Or is he just another fantasy of yours? Maybe I should find out.
Ciao dear!
--D�
* * *
Dana.
That self-absorbed little bitch!
How COULD she...
Whoa. I haven't done that in a while. OK, Gin, stay calm. I don't particularly want to prove to her through firsthand experience that these aren't fantasies. And I can't get through this if I lose control of myself.
Great, I ripped my jeans.
I mean, jeez, I can understand her curiosity and all, but having the nerve to write editorial comments when she was done?
Man. I really don't have control right now. Maybe I'd better go up the canyon just in case.
First, though, I'd better change. Perfectly good pair of jeans, too.
* * *
�Mmmmmmm.
I don't think even Dana could bother me right now.
So here's what happened: I changed quickly, grabbed my keys, headed out the door and literally ran straight into Cameron, who had just raised his hand to knock.
"Whoops! Sorry."
"Hi, Ginny," he grinned, looking none the worse for wear although I'd practically knocked him over. "Fancy meeting you here. I was just going to ask..."
"Um, look, uh, Cameron, I'd like to talk but I'm kind of in a hurry..."
"Where you headed?"
I tried to come up with a plausible explanation, but my brain wasn't cooperating. "Um..."
"Can I drive you someplace?"
"Uh, no, no, that's OK, I have a car and all, I just..."
Something in my face must not have looked right, because he touched my arm gently. "Ginny, is something wrong?"
I didn't know what to say. I was almost overcome with anger--at Dana, at myself for being afraid to explain to Cameron, at not being able to be me--and it was all I could do to keep it in check. I didn't want to lose it in front of him. Suddenly the anger gave way to frustration, and to my surprise and chagrin I began to cry. I didn't want to cry in front of Cameron either, but these big choking sobs began welling up inside me and I seemed powerless to stop them.
Then Cameron brought his arms around me tenderly, drawing me in close, murmuring, "Shhh, it's all right," gently stroking my hair. Slowly, I began to stop crying. I became keenly aware of the warm rumble of his voice in his chest, the feel of his heart thudding softly against my cheek, the warm, soapy, slightly musky scent of his skin, and I began to react in a way I'd taught myself not to react. I pulled away, wiping at my eyes.
"I'm sorry, Cameron, I have to go..."
"Ginny." He held me, not painfully, but firmly. "Why are you running away?"
"I--I'm not..."
"I think you are," he said softly. "I think it's what you've had to do. But you don't have to do it any more, not with me."
He smiled down at me, raised his hand to slip it under my chin, gently tilted my head up a little and...
...kissed me.
Well. All I can say is that it's good I was wearing loose-fitting clothes, because by the time we finally broke from the kiss I was looking down at him. I'd grown nearly a foot taller. Cameron's eyes widened in wonder as he realized what had happened. I tried to pull away, panicking, but he still held me firm.
"Was this why you were in such a hurry?" he murmured.
I nodded.
"Well, I'm not leaving and I'm not afraid," he shrugged. "Guess you'll just have to put up with me."
'Putting up with' Cameron wasn't how I would phrase it at that point, but I was still panicky. At least luck was with me in that nobody but Cameron had seen what had happened. I couldn't count on that luck to last; I knew I needed to find a hidden place, and quickly.
"Cameron, you can drive me somewhere. Would you be willing to take me--"
"--up the canyon?" he finished. "Absolutely."
"Am I that predictable?"
He only laughed. "Ginny, you're one of the least predictable people I know. But I'd drive you to Mexico City if you wanted."
On our way up the canyon, I explained--blushing like mad--why I'd been upset and what Dana had done in my journal. Cameron was livid. He was ready to turn around and give Dana a piece of his mind, but I convinced him to keep driving. I could feel the need building inside me, and it took most of my willpower just to keep it in check. I'd have to find a place to grow, and soon.
The dusk began to gather as Cameron drove past the park where we'd first met, far up past where the paved road turned to gravel, then to dirt. I wondered where he was headed. Finally, when I thought I could bear it no longer, he pulled over to the side of the road.
"Here," he said. "Follow me, I think you'll like this." He took my hand and guided me through a dense stand of evergreens, deep into the wood. Finally we broke through into a wide expanse of clearing, ringed by towering evergreens. Above them I could see the peak of the mountain, and just above that the moon was beginning to rise, giving everything in the clearing a cast of cool silver light. It was beautiful.
"Wow. Cameron, this is magnificent. How did you find it?"
"I do some hiking during the summer," he shrugged. "Will it do?"
I stepped out into the center of the clearing, turning slowly to get a sense of the place. It was the most peaceful, secluded area I'd yet seen. "It's perfect."
Cameron smiled. "I'm glad."
There was a long, awkward pause. I'd known in the car that having Cameron drive me would present some problems, but I mostly just needed to concentrate on not growing. Now I had to decide what to do. It was one thing to kiss Cameron, and quite another to disrobe in front of him. And yet I didn't feel like I could order him back to the car; that would be unkind.
"Um, Cameron... how do I put this gracefully..." I twisted my hands together, fidgeting. "Well, my clothes don't grow with me..."
"I see."
"And I don't know that I'm ready to..."
I could see the disappointment in Cameron's eyes, but he tried to smile bravely. "Say no more," he said. "Heading back to the car now." He turned and went resolutely back into the wood, and I felt so awful that I did something impetuous. I just kicked off my sandals, leaned forward and began to grow after him. I could feel my clothes tightening uncomfortably on me, then ripping and shredding beyond hope, but I didn't stop until I was big enough to brush my fingers against his back. Cameron turned, startled.
"Please come back," I said as softly as I could.
He didn't waste any time getting back into the clearing. By the time he'd returned, I was on my stomach--as demure as the lack of clothes would allow--and had grown even larger. I thought Cameron's eyes were about to pop out of his head.
"Well, you look intrigued."
"Wow." Cameron seemed at a loss for words. He began to walk slowly around my body as though enchanted. "Incredible."
I smiled. "Thanks."
Cameron stopped at my side and raised his hand, looking up at me with a question in his eye. I saw what he wanted and nodded my assent, and he carefully touched my skin, as though to make sure I was real.
"I can't believe this. Ginny, you've got to be at least fifteen feet tall."
"I was taller than that when I picked you up," I pointed out.
"Yeah, but I wasn't even sure that was real. Now... wow..."
I giggled. He did sound funny. Besides, I was beginning to get that buzz from growing again, and Cameron's presence only seemed to intensify it. I felt almost flirtatious. "Want to see me get even bigger?" I asked.
Cameron couldn't speak, only nod. I stretched again and slowly increased in size, smiling at him, until I'd reached maybe twenty-five feet. For a minute I thought he was going to faint.
"Are you OK?" I asked.
He nodded again. "I'm OK, I'm fine," he said. "Just a little overwhelmed."
I crossed my arms in front of me, resting my cheek on my hand, and looked down at Cameron. "Are you afraid of me?"
To my great delight, he came closer, and I could see a kind of glow in his eyes, a number of emotions I couldn't name. "No. Not afraid. In awe, maybe, but not afraid."
"You don't need to be afraid, or in awe," I said softly. "I'm the same person I was before. I'm just bigger."
Cameron leaned forward to touch my arm. It felt a little strange to think that not so long ago, he'd been taller than me and touching my arm in that same gentle way. "Ginny, can I ask a favor of you?"
"Within reason, sure."
He swallowed. "Would you--would you pick me up again?"
Ooh!
"Gladly," I smiled, and I reached out to curl my fingers around his waist. At this height, I was about four times his size; it was remarkably easy to lift his warm little body. I sat up carefully and realized I was nearly capable of cuddling him in my arms; I grew a little more and gathered him up close and safe, just as I'd longed to do. It felt even better than I'd imagined.
Cameron seemed ecstatic, cuddling close to me. "Grow bigger for me, Ginny," he murmured.
I thought I might die of excitement. Not only was he not afraid, but he actually wanted me to grow. Happy to oblige him, I swelled larger and larger, Cameron's warm body becoming more and more tiny by comparison, until at last I was big enough to hold him comfortably in the palm of my hand again.
Cameron leaned back against my fingertips, gazing up at me. "Ginny Shelton, you are easily the most fascinating person I've ever met," he said.
"Likewise."
"So, what am I going to do with you now?"
I giggled. "Aren't you wondering what I'm going to do with you?"
He looked around. "I see your point. Well, I'm open to suggestion, as long as it doesn't involve dropping me..."
"Well," I grinned, "I think the first thing I'd like to do with you..." and I raised him to my lips and began to kiss him all over.
Cameron moaned and writhed in excitement, struggling in my palm. I don't think either one of us realized it would affect him so powerfully.
I stopped and gently nuzzled him. "So, you like that?"
"ohhh yesssss...."
His excitement was contagious. I felt myself grow a few more inches, involuntarily.
"Mmmm. Careful, Cameron. Get me too excited and I'll grow so vast I'll fill the canyon."
I could see this thought visibly excited him. He realized where I was looking and began to blush bright red.
"Sorry," he muttered.
"For what?"
"Thinking ungentlemanly thoughts."
"Cameron, does the thought of my growing bigger really excite you that much?"
He nodded, looking ashamed of himself.
"Well, you don't have to apologize for it. Do you have any idea how long I've tried to hide this from people who didn't understand, who were afraid?" I nuzzled him again. "And do you have any idea how marvelous it is to find someone, finally, who doesn't fear me for what I am?"
I cupped my hands protectively around him, stroking his tiny arms and legs with my fingertips, and it began to dawn on me just how precious Cameron had become to me.
What happened next? Let's just say a good time was had by all, and leave it at that. I don't write EVERYTHING down in here.
Later that evening, Cameron drove me back down the canyon (he also lent me his shirt, since I wasn't quite acceptable in public) and gave me a warm kiss at the door. Now I'm home and writing in this, and considering where I should hide it. Maybe I'll just carry it around with me. Cameron might see it, but it won't be anything he doesn't already know. Besides, I'll be damned if I let Dana see anything in here again.
But I don't care about Dana right now.
I love Cameron.
* * *
I swear I'm an idiot. I've only had this condition for, what, going on seven years now and you'd think I would have come up with some common-sense methods of dealing with life. But no, I still do dumb stuff. At least I can console myself that I had a good reason this time.
Yesterday evening I was jogging down the walking trail just around the perimeter of campus. It's gorgeous in the spring, with cherry and plum trees blooming and the creek running past on one side, and it's one of my favorite places to work out. Of course, campus security tries to discourage women from going there alone at night because it's a prime area for flashers and rapists ... or at least would-be rapists. As though it's up to the victims to stop the criminals by hiding in their homes, afraid to do anything. But I won't go there.
Anyway, I was jogging along and I began to hear some weird scuffling noises in the bushes just down the hill from me. I stopped, listened, and could just make out a voice. It sounded like a woman. I got closer, began to hear things very distinctively. Things like "Jared, no... not here... please... I don't want it like this... stop... JARED, NO..." and so forth.
Hearing this and realizing what was going on, I began to do something I don't usually do. I got really, REALLY angry. I set my jaw and went plunging down the hill, not even registering what was happening to my body as I did so. I pushed trees out of the way and strode down into a tiny clearing. A man was spread-eagled over a crying woman, pressing her hard to the ground, forcing her to do what he wanted.
Not for long.
In a moment I'd grabbed him around the waist, hoisted him high in the air and shook him until his head bobbled around. I brought him close to my face, spitting every word out against his puny body--"WHEN A WOMAN TELLS YOU NO, SHE MEANS NO."
The last "NO" was apparently too much for "Jared," as he promptly wet himself in my hand. I rolled my eyes and sighed in disgust.
"Boy, you really can't keep that part of your anatomy under control, can you?"
He covered his face with his hands and blubbered something that sounded like "no."
"Now you listen to me. I found you trying to rape this woman and I ought to break you in half right now." His blubbers turned to shrieks of fear. "Stop that!" I shook him again until he stopped. "I'm not going to do that. You can consider this your only warning. Now that I know what kind of person you are, I have my eye on you. And if ever, and I mean EVER, I find you doing something like this again, it will be the last thing you EVER do. HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?"
He nodded from behind his hands.
"I want to HEAR you say yes."
"Yes," he burbled, high and fearful like a child.
"Good." I set him down, and he took off running and stumbling down the hill. I looked around for the girl he'd been attacking, but she was long gone. Probably my appearance had been just as terrifying to her as that of her rapist.
As I stood there, shivering at what I'd seen and done, I began to realize three things. First, I, Ginny Shelton, had stopped a rape in progress. Second, I'd grown about twenty feet tall in my descent down the hill, so there were two other people in the area who had seen me become huge--a potential problem.
And third, I was in a heap of trouble because I'd grown right out of my sweats and was naked on campus, far from my apartment. Crap.
I had a few minutes to think about it, shrinking down, finding what was left of my clothing and trying to figure out what to do. Finally it occurred to me--it was late, there weren't many people around, and the PhysEd building wasn't that far away. If I could manage to make it there, I could get into the showers and at least find some school-issue stuff to wear.
So I sprinted. Even then, I had to endure some very weird looks from a necking couple along the trail, but I think I was going so fast they didn't get a clear look at me.
It worked OK. I found a towel and told the PhysEd people that my friends had stolen my clothes out of my locker again, and they let me take the sweats home with the understanding that I'd return them the next day. Of course, I still had to walk across campus barefoot since I'd ruined my shoes.
When I told Cameron about it later, he giggled like crazy. "Ginny, you're nuts."
"Well, what would YOU have done? Just jogged on by and let her get raped?"
"No, no, that's not what I meant. You did absolutely the right thing as far as that was concerned." His smile dissolved for a minute. "Frankly, if it had been me I wouldn't have been nearly as kind to the bastard as you were. But that's not my point. Considering what happened, wouldn't it make sense to carry a change of clothes in your backpack, just in case?"
He's right, of course, and it's exactly the sort of thing I should have been doing, but I didn't think about it. So now I have at least a T and shorts and flip-flops in my backpack at all times. Hopefully it'll make life easier.
I've been wondering a lot about the people I saw, about this Jared character and the woman--presumably his girlfriend--that he was trying to force. I've wondered if they would recognize me, but more than that, I've really wondered how often this happens on campus. It's made me wonder, because I know now that I can stop it, whether that means I have a responsibility to stop it. I just don't know.
* * *